Pattoo

Penis size: For too long (puns are inevitable when discussing the subject), it has escaped the rigorous analysis of modern science and has been left prone to self-serving exaggeration. Thankfully, one fearless inventor has arrived to clear the field of biased pseudoscience:

"Throughout history, there has been discussion and focus on the human male sex organ. Generally, having a large penis is seen as more masculine and manly than having a small penis. Well-endowed male pornography stars are looked at by many with admiration and envy due to the size of their penis."

"there is a remarkable lack of convenient and accurate methods for measuring the penis. Most men merely take a ruler and measure the size of their penis in inches. However, to adequately describe the size of a penis the length alone is not enough. Nor is it enough to know the diameter at an arbitrary point. The penis is not shaped like a true cylinder, but rather it has a more complicated shape. Therefore, a method for measuring the size of a penis needs to account for the unusual shape and size of the human penis."

In the short 22 centuries since Archimedes first shouted Eureka from his bathtub, inventor Jason Turner has applied the same techniques of fluid displacement to accurately measure the one-eyed trouser snake.

Of course, scientific breakthroughs can often be met with fierce resistance: Knowledge is power, but the truth, if small enough, can hurt.

Wheel out the guillotine, 'cause this game's getting decrapitated. Merdé she wrote!

Finally, someone's done it right! Let me tell you, crapless craps done wrong, is, well, just plain crappy. I'm not much of a gambling man, but something tells me if you take the crap out of craps, you don't have much left (thanks, high-fiber diet).

Besides having the crappiest name for a patent I've ever seen, I've come to learn that this is the latest in a series of attempts to cut the crap from the popular dice game. "Craps" refers to a losing result (a 2, 3, or 12) on your very first roll of the dice, known as the "come out". As we all know, there's nothing worse than for craps to come out when you're trying to impress your date at the high roller's table.

There have been several attempts to remove this downer moment from the game, all with trademarked names; Crapless Craps, Never Ever Craps, and now, No-Crap Craps. How many ways can you scrap the crap? Now excuse me while I go wash my hands.